You never owe anyone an apology. If you believe there is any debt owed for your past behavior, it is forgiveness. Forgiveness of yourself — that self who agreed to participate in condemning you.
Your apology actually means that you agree to condemn your earlier decision, a decision in the dead past which cannot be changed. This, in turn, distances you from the mind that was doing its best when you made that decision. Nevertheless, that same mind is the mind on which you absolutely must rely for your next decision. And, the further you are from your own mind, the more possible it will be that you soon choose some behavior which neither you nor the other person accepts.
Webster’s definition of “apology”: an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret; an expression of regret for a mistake or wrong with implied admission of guilt or fault.
Regret, mistake, error, wrong, guilt, fault. Every one of those words arises from condemning judgment about the past. And, since the past is over, no judgment of it is going to change what happened. Also, every one of those words creates a state of aversion. Thus, hoping to rectify or make amends for an unacceptable consequence while in an apologetic state of mind entails forcing yourself, or attempting to force someone else, to move toward something that they are naturally inclined to move away from. Being forced toward what repels you causes fear, which narrows attention to “fight or flight,” a decidedly unresourceful state.
The social convention of apologizing is a strong one and a rarely examined one. The less we understand the conventions which drive us, the more defensive we can be about them and reactionary toward anyone who doesn’t go along with them. Nevertheless, now that you are discovering the less-than-useful states which result from this convention, realize how much you can help others as well as yourself when you are no longer driven by it.
When you apologize to another person in an attempt to reconcile a debt, what you are really doing is playing the Wake Drives the Boat Game. In this game, the past is seen as forever creating the future. And, yes, this is a very common and popular game. However, when looked at afresh, can you not easily see how absurd that is? If yesterday determined today, there would be no new blossoms no new season no new ideas. We are actually being drawn into an unborn future everyday, one that differs extraordinarily from yesterday. This is so strikingly evident when we look for it.
To demand an apology is actually an admission by the other person that your behavior is the wake driving their boat. The person who demands an apology unwittingly tries to rewrite what happened into something he or she can control. However, since the past is the past and your apology cannot give them this control, their resentment, instead of being lessened, is in fact heightened.
Very soon, you will commit another “sin” for which another apology will be necessary. If you are already in an apologetic relationship with someone, notice this. Notice the frequency at which you apologize and how quickly you say “I’m sorry” for little or no reason. You may be so accustomed to using this language pattern that you even begin new conversations with that person with, ”I’m sorry….” or “Excuse me….”
No amount of apologizing will ever make this better. One or both of you will soon grow weary of this enervating game. And then, it may seem as though the only way out is out of the relationship. However, that is not so. By dropping apology from your language, you will soon be able to drop it from your life. And you do this by playing the I Appreciate You Game.
Step 1 of the I Appreciate You Game is to simply begin consciously noticing other people’s responses to what you have said or done. Especially notice the times when other people acknowledge your good work and appreciate what you do.
Step 2. When someone congratulates you, compliments you or thanks you, immediately respond with, “Thank you. I appreciate you and your kind words.” Play the game only in these situations at first. This will awaken you to how good it feels to receive and acknowledge appreciation. This also helps you develop an effective language pattern for keeping your heart open to others.
After some practice with Step 2, move on to Step 3.
Anyone living her or his own self-guided life does, at times, bump up against other people. The closer those people, more are the chances to stumble over one another’s path. Step 3 is your opportunity to restore a breach or rectify an unintended outcome in your relationships with those people.
Step 3. When someone responds to what you have done or said with anger or criticism, insult or hurt, respond immediately with, “Thank you. I appreciate you and your valuable feedback.” This may surprise the other person, so give him or her a few moments to either savor your gratitude and appreciation or, if they choose, to clarify their response. Either one is acceptable and worth giving a minute or two of your attention.
Before you respond, give yourself at least a full 30 seconds to decide what you believe is a desireable outcome. For example, you might desire to happily continue a project or an adventure with the person. Maybe you would like to have renewed harmony in the relationship or you would like to restore respect. Once you know clearly what outcome you would like, insert this outcome in the (X) position in the following suggested texts. A further benefit of taking this 30 seconds before you respond is that the other person will sense your investment in a solution.
When it’s time for you to speak, say, “Thank you. I see/hear/feel/now understand the consequences of my decision. Since I can’t go back and change the past, what do I need to do now for you to feel respected/(X) ?” As he or she responds with suggestions, welcome their ideas. As soon as an idea is suggested which matches what you feel you can and want to do to make amends, quickly affirm your commitment to doing it. Implement it. And be done with it.
If the person requests an apology, say, “The issue isn’t that the best I could do a moment/day/year ago missed the mark, the issue is that I am willing to make amends for the consequence of my actions. So, tell me, what constructive action can I take now for you to enjoy the rest of the evening/(X)?” As he or she begins to suggest constructive actions, eagerly consider the suggestions, affirming your commitment to doing those you can do and creatively modifying those you can’t into ones you can.
If the person demands an apology, say, ” The question isn’t how guilty or ashamed I should feel – which is a pretty unresourceful state – the question is what can we do together to renew our friendly feelings toward each other/(X)?”
If the person insists that only an apology will suffice, ask, “Would you really prefer that I feel guilt or shame rather than being eager to make amends to you?” Listen with detachment to the answer. Then let that answer guide your decisions about the future of the relationship.
When you decline to apologize, the other person has a couple of choices. She can decide not to stay in your company. Or, she can choose to stay and agree upon an amends which will clean the slate on the issue. If you are very fortunate, your friend understands the probability that both of you will no doubt, at some time in the future, make decisions which again could result in unintended consequences. Being accepted for who we are is always the most desireable attitude to share in a relationship. Also, considering your appreciative reply and your willingness to make an acceptable amends, reasonable people will most often be willing to move onward with you. From the person who walks away, preferring to hold you hostage to shame and blame, you have received a great favor. So, with all the genuine gratitude you can muster, say, “Thank you, I appreciate you and your honesty” to their retreating backside.
NOTE: An individual who feeds an apologetic relationship with one person may find herself using the same language with other people, too. From there, the fear of being wrong, at fault, guilty or shamed about what one does can be extended into believing that who one is also requires apology. This is never, ever true. Each human being is as worthy of life as every other human being. When it is appropriate for you to make an amends, offer it only for what you have said or done, never for what you think or who you are.